(sorted oldest to newest)

He Who Releases A Video

August 27, 2026

Behold, the grand debut of Thinker Portal video essays…

This is the greatest story ever told — so now I guess it’s all downhill from here and there’s really no point in releasing anything anymore.

🫠

Enjoy, you lovely people (actually still no one at the time of posting).

Spread the word. Share the tale. Like and subscribe and give me the password to your bank account.

We’re in the endgame now.

Seriously though, I did it — 2+ years of backlogging in the dark and now I’ve finally uploaded an mp4 file to Mother YouTube.

Will it go viral? Will Thinker Portal radically transform the intellectual landscape? Will I get precisely 7 views (including the 4 I already gave myself from alternate accounts) and finally have to get a real job after 7 years of freedom? Will AI takeover the world in 10 days and thus render everything else irrelevant? Will subs with the bread partially connected ever rightfully be seen more like tacos and hotdogs rather than sandwiches? Will anyone ever read this besides my mom (please mom)? Will I ever stop typing? Will the greatest story ever told cement itself in the annals of time and space as the prologue of an even GREATER story ever told?

FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON TPZ.

He Who Gets No Views

September 12, 2026

LAST TIME ON TPZ…

After years of solitude slaving away in a dark cave, He Who Writes All The Time And Has Many Cool Ideas But Never Shares Much Of Them With The Rest Of The World finally transformed into He Who Releases A Video.

💪

Days later, the young ape fell into an existential crisis upon discovering the video contained a previously undetected error…oh no!

Emotionally defeated and desperate to escape the unrelenting claws of his perfectionist demons, the time had finally come to accept an immutable past — but minutes later he realized nobody even watched the video yet so there was nothing stopping him from just deleting it and reuploading the fixed version!

And thus, The Greatest Story Ever Told: Remastered Before Anybody Even Watched It™ graced the world as the barely-in-existence Thinker Portal canon was forever rewritten.

BUT THEN ANOTHER ERROR EMERGED! This was the TRUE villain though, a beast hiding in plain sight that doomed a man’s precious works to eternal failure.

But alas, He Who Deletes And Reuploads Every Time A New Flaw Is Discovered would never be a sustainable identity.

“Let it go”, he said. “Fix what remains and move forward”.

And so he did — a new era on the horizon.

Now, the stage has been set for the epic sequel to the first video that still nobody even saw.

Behold:

The Purposefully Powerful Paperclip Parable

(or something like that idk it’s the thing just click it and watch please for the love of zeus).

He Who Will Get Infinite Views

September 26, 2026

I’ve returned alive from the other side.

Quality control test? Nah, how about we conduct a NASA-grade forensic investigation into the sonic minutiae of 11 video essays to address potential discrepancies that approximately 0.069% of viewers would unconsciously perceive.

THE GREAT AUDIO ODYSSEY ®

  • awareness of, and war with, the inexplicable THING — a mysterious “pencil-point” spatial separation between the voiceover and music bed; the subsequent interrogation of basically every fucking component of the audio chain as a possible suspect; and ultimately the revolutionary discovery of multiple Mariana Trenches carved into the music track’s EQ as the leading cause.

  • double-blind randomized listening trials to establish I had not, in fact, developed audio-engineering schizophrenia.

  • individually measuring and documenting the Integrated LUFS, True Peak, and PLR levels for each video’s narration track, music track, finished mix, and final export + two dozen YouTuber rips for ample self-loathing professional comparison.

  • painfully deliberating over 1 decibel differences in gain, as well as enduring a catastrophic confrontation with He Who Hates The Sound Of His Own Voice.

THE JOURNEY WITHOUT END ©

  • testifying before Congress regarding how many milliseconds of silence is appropriate at the start of a video (i.e. opening a philosophical inquiry into the ideal quantity of nothing), while simultaneously acknowledging that if people genuinely abandon a video because they experienced half a second without sensory stimulation then civilization probably deserves whatever happens next.

  • detection of the barely-visible black border anomalies likely caused by an ancient cursed artifact involving that stupid 360° base layer rendered in each session, and thus undergoing reexportation of each 4K file with a 0.2% scale increase to ensure anyone watching with an electron micoscope will approve of the final product.

TL;DR

One man attempting to upload some videos in peace accidentally becomes a mastering engineer, psychoacoustics researcher, compression-codec analyst, Final Cut technician, YouTube algorithm conspiracy theorist, and leading international authority on whether 10 frames of black feels substantially longer than 8.

But now, I’m free.

The trilogy complete.
The pre-launch hendecalogy finally mastered.
The final 5 transmissions in progress to complete the full hexadecalogy (shortened substantially from the originally planned icosipentalogy) that is The Alpha Saga.

Onward and upward now.

Crafting these works. Sharing these ideas. Obsessively checking engagement statistics on the studio app 17 times a day even though it’s all evergreen content and monitoring how much change in performance has occurred over the last hour essentially equates to calculating Earth’s continental drift from a telescope on Mars.

Anyway, death.

But really, life.

A beautiful life that has blessed me with opportunity to create.

Should my story end following these words, I am at peace — in body and mind, love and legacy.

But aye fr let’s run up these numbers before I get Stage 4 brain cancer or choke on a raisin or something bro let’s gooo.

He Who Is Heating Up

October 10, 2026

Enough said.